In fear of someone (my family) might read my former posts, I've decided to delete them. I will try to update more often because the turning point is near and I can feel it. So many things have happened and have hurt my hurt deeply, but after the new year, the new chapter, I can rewrite my final 6 months in France. These are my thoughts and I'm not decorating my french life acting like I eat macaroons all day, finding vintage french couture everywhere, speaking fluently french in 4 months or bragging about the beauty of french boys. I keep it real. This is my mind on a screen, black on white - metaphorically - without coloring.
I think I might post a video soon. Put a voice on. It would only be if I feel like I have something to say, which I can't really say now. It'll probably be a spontaneous thing.
I do feel bad. I'm always posting negative stuff and I'm always complaining to my parents and friends at home. When I'm happy my feelings evolve in a smile and my head becoming a bit lighter and feeling relaxed. When I'm sad or feeling lonely - it's not expressed. I still have to plant a fake smile on my face - either because I'm in school and everyone knows that you're socially much more attractive with a happy atmosphere around you. Or at home where I'm just not in the god damn mood to talk about my feelings. Not today. So the worries and frustrations I have locked in a way-too-small box in my mind, opens with a bang and creates a mess.
But dear (who really is reading this blog-thing?) ... whoever is reading this. Once again I will have to spill bad news. I will be positive later on in this post, so feel free to scroll past the negative if you're just not in the mood for it. Hell, I'm not even.
Tis the season to be jolly - and which season is that? That is winter - or christmas to be more accurate. December was without a doubt the hardest month for me here in France. Not only did I have an unusual hard time not being home during this season. Christmas is (as I explained earlier) a huge deal in Denmark. The next paragraph will explain exactly how the french christmas goes:
The 1st December is finally here, I'm excited as a little child, and no one around me cares at all. You buy your fake christmas tree around the 10th of December, overdecorate it so not a single paper-green branch can be seen. We're talking horrible "in-your-eyes" blinky christmas lights that apparently plays an annoying song every time you turn them on. You do nothing until the 24th where you go out to meet up with friends and have a nice dinner or just stay home. You wrap your presents in. You wake up the 25th, open all your presents in 10 seconds, you apparently don't thank your parents at all for your new iPhone 5 and then you eat normal breakfast. Later on you eat a five hour long lunch. Finished.
May I say. This is my view on the french christmas and it's not at all sure that every family does it this way. But no. Christmas is not a big thing at all in France, which is sad. I think. The day became even harder for me when I skyped with my parents and they told me that my family would be going to New York without me. In February. I cried like a baby for an hour straight, got forced down stairs to eat a giant crab claw, went upstairs and fell asleep in my clothes. Without a doubt the worst christmas ever.
But yeah yeah, I know. I'm not here to experience the danish christmas and that's okay. I'm glad I got through with it and I'm glad it's over. I just wish the french christmas would have enough context to keep me "occupied" and not make me think so much about home.
2013 is approaching and it's the teenage years of the new millennium. If that's a good or bad sign, I really don't know. But it's on the other side and everything I've done in France before that moment can from then on be called "it was last year" which is somehow appealing.
Not much positive stuff in this post, I see that now. Sorry. I'll find some in the following days.
Bisous et au revoir avant ou après la réveillon!